“Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one”.
roses
“Sorry, too few characters.”
pretty roses
“Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character.”
1 pretty rose
“Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.”
1prettyrose
“Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters.”
1fuckingprettyrose
“Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character.”
1FUCKINGprettyrose
“Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.”
1FuckingPrettyRose
“Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters when upper case is used.”
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow.
“Sorry, you cannot use punctuation.”
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow
Recently read it, have to “save” it.
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A businessman walked into a bank in New York City and asked to see the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going out of town for two weeks and needed a $5,000 loan.The loan officer told the business man that there had to be some type of insurance on the loan. One option was to offer up some collateral. The businessman said he had a Rolls Royce parked outside that he could offer as collateral. The bank employees checked out the vehicle and parked it in the bank’s underground garage.
The businessman returned two weeks later to pay back the loan and retrieve his car. He paid back the $5,000 and the interest which totaled about $15. While he was away, the bank was able to check his account status. They noticed he had millions of dollars in the bank. One employee asked him why he would need a $5,000 loan. The businessman replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15?
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1..0, and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as :
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4..1 …
Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
· Boy friend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command::ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed , Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 ,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 ..
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost. I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, Medicare tax, city, school and county property tax, real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, my state sales tax, and sales tax in other states that I have visited. There are many more that I can’t recall but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake, (I’m out of cash). Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangel, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Daschle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.
Thank you for your kind consideration.
P.S. I will try to make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little Chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to Ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not the chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken‘s’ intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the r oad. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released “eChicken 2008″, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of “eChicken 2008″.
This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Johnnie.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
“But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Johnnie.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.”
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it, Daddy.”
“And what happened, honey?” He asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Johnnie?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took the water out last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
I read this at a work at home forum, have to write it down. 🙂
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a Bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and Begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$65,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000..”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Johnny was playing with the LeapPad while I was cooking dinner in the kitchen.
Suddenly Johnny said: “Hi Mom, I know where Georgia lives!!”. (Georgia is the little girl in Johnny’s kindergarten class, also ride on the same bus with him.).
I was little surprised and I said really?
Then Johnny said yes mommy, come on, let me show you!
So I went over and saw Johnny was playing with the Leappad’s “Unites States of America” map, Then Johnny pointed his pen to the state of Georgia, and the Leappad said “Georgia”! 🙂
